Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
