my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
