Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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