Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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