My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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