I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
