I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
