If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
