dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
