If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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