I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
