And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
