You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
