Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
