dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
