Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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