Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
