There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
