this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
