I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
