New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
