The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
