My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
