worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
