You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
