My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
