she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Randomize
