just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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