I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We were destined to go to rehab together
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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