who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
