I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
