Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
