ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Randomize
