It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
