i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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