You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im having a threesome with these popsicles
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
