Apparently you make a good broom.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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