Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
