You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
