I'm going to jail i love you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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