Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Found your dick twin last night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
