oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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