I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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