fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
