Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
operation have a gay friend backfired
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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