um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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