Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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