Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
