We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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