I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
