You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
