Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
